Las Vegas: Prep

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  1. Remove money from wallet. Carry around in rolls. (Rolls make thighs look odd. Roll up each bill separately. Decide maybe this is a guy thing.)
  2. Watch Ocean’s Eleven and Thirteen, The Cooler and Viva Las Vegas.

  3. Put shoe polish in hair. Put on slinky 1960s swimsuit. Sing all the verses to “The Lady Loves Me,” while pretending to be Elvis and Ann-Margret. Shower.
  4. Take half the rolled-up money and hide it from self for half an hour. Give self back a fraction of the hidden money. Repeat until all money is hidden. Do not cry.
  5. Do not watch Casino, Leaving Las Vegas, or Vegas Vacation.
  6. Smoke a thousand cigarettes.
  7. Think about watching Showgirls. Don’t.
  8. Download slot machine sound effect. Loop it. Play for three days.
  9. Put on oxygen mask. Stay up for 24 hours.
  10. Watch Revolver.
  11. Re-read scary impressive New York Times Magazine article on gambling machine designer guy. Wonder if that dude needs any new friends.
  12. Pack velour jumpsuit.
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