What I Would Never Do

Cook on a talk show. Do they EVER have time to actually cook something? No. No, they don’t.

The cooking person’s job is to cook. The host’s job is to be clever. The producer’s job is to shut both of them down in 10 minutes or less. Usually less. That is not a winning combination for cooking anything except a bologne sandwich, so don’t go out there and try to make goat cheese and herb-stuffed chicken breasts. You’re asking for trouble. And salmonella. Let it go. It’s not going to happen.

I learned this in 7th grade when I had to give a demonstration speech in five minutes and tried to make flan. Flan, people. You can’t do it. And no one in 7th grade likes flan anyway. Which kind of turned out in my favor re: flan eating, but that’s not the point. The point is public speaking and cooking don’t mix.

So just give it up. Leave it. Make a nice Cobb salad and go home. No one’s copying down your recipe anyway. And if they were, it’d be a huge mess because you’re going too fast and skipping stuff. Be flirty or dynamic or whatever your thing is, crumble some bacon on top (or tofu chunkies or bird seed or whatever, if you’re veg) and call it a day.