The Amazing Waterproof Towel

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What words do you think of when I say, “Towel”? Absorbent? Yeah. Fluffy? Yes, please! Sumptuous? Of course! Utilitarian? Maybe. OK – sure! Why not?

Well, what if I told you about a product that turned the concept of the towel on its head? What would you say if I told you that I’d found everything you weren’t looking for in a towel in…well, a TOWEL? Would you be surprised? You bet you would! Would you get a slightly unsettled feeling in the very bottom of your stomach? Sure! Well, hang onto your hats, because that’s exactly what I’ve found for you!

That’s right, cats and kittens, it’s the Amazing Waterproof Towel!

For the low, low price of $15 and just a little, tiny slice of your sanity, you too can have the device that’s driven many a dripping consumer around the bend.

Instead of absorbing all that excess moisture from the shower, it spreads it out across your skin in an even coating, leaving you feeling both damp and dissatisfied! In fact, it will make you feel even wetter than you did before! That’s because of its patented waterproof coating. We’re so sure that no water will be absorbed by this towel, that we guarantee it. That’s right, you heard me: we guarantee that it will fail as a towel or your money back!

We don’t know how they make ’em and we don’t wanna know! All we do know is that every once in a while, we’ve gotten lucky and found one at an obscure outlet, a friend’s apartment or just any old where! We’ve collected them all for you here though, so no more hunting for you! Just call now and we’ll send you your very own rainbow of frustration!

Sick of getting exactly what you bargained for out of your towel? Tired of the same old morning after morning routine of efficiently rubbing yourself dry? Ready for a new challenge? A little extra oomph in your daybreak? Well, bring on the Amazing Waterproof Towel!

It’ll cure what ails you, if by “ails” you mean “satisfies an immediate, basic need.”

See you in the morning, kids! Enjoy your evening secure in the knowledge that tomorrow will start on an unnecessarily unsatisfying note!

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Categories: News, Nuisance, Miscellany

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