Sleep-Free

I used to say that I thought sleep was a waste of time, that if I could skip it, I would. I still feel that way about showers – nothing about being damp appeals to me, but I do it for you – but I’ve revised my thoughts on sleep now that I don’t get any.

There are people who allegedly thrive on very little sleep. I am not one of them. Bill Clinton famously only slept a few hours a night. But, then, look where that got him.

I’m not saying the bad judgment involved in having sex with interns is a result of sleep loss… Er, no, wait, yes that is what I’m saying. Forgive me: I’m very tired.

It’s been at least a month since I’ve slept more than five hours at a stretch. It’s like I’m pregnant or have an infant, neither of which is the case, but both of which would provide a handy reason for the sleep deprivation.

I mean, sure, there’s a lot going on right now with the writing and the house and our nanny just quit and we’ve got all these travel plans, but it just doesn’t seem to add up to the number of hours of sleep I’m missing. Although, let’s be honest, my math skills leave something to be desired.

And by “something,” I mean, “nearly everything.”

Here’s how my calculations look right now:

Loss of nanny = by my estimates, ten minutes of stress while not sleeping per day.

That sounds about right. Let’s break it down and see. (See how I’m showing my work and what not? Who says I suck at math!)

Wondering when I will find the time to find a new nanny

+ worrying about how Astrid will handle losing her beloved nanny

+ how am I going to find the time to be around for the first few weeks the new nanny is here because I have to make sure she’s not leaving A. to play with knives while she, I don’t know, plays video games or something. Not that we have video games. And now we’re definitely not getting any. But something like that.

+ God: our nanny is friends with Astrid’s best friend’s nanny, so when will A. see her best friend if our nanny isn’t here to hang out with them twice a week? And her best friend will be going to preschool full-time in the fall ’cause his mom is pregnant with twins and is really well-connected and was all up on that last year when I was supposed to be too. But with the twin thing, I bet she won’t answer my emails about any of this (which I totally get, by the way – I would be super freaked out by having twins) even if I get it together to sort out some kind of half-assed, overly complicated way of getting the kids together. Like a zip line or something. They live up the hill: that could work. But she’d never go for that because he’s small and there’s traffic. And why didn’t I sign A. up for pre-school so she could be with other kids this fall instead of waiting until next year? Oh right – because she’s TWO and that’s ridiculous and besides it costs about a trillion dollars a year to school a child in this city and if we’re paying that much, we might as well move back to New York and pay it to a school in a city I like better. Except for the humidity. New York is awful in the summer. I’ll admit that. Everyone – even the one you love – has flaws. But after a while you love those too. Except for if their flaws mean you have to shower nine times a day. (See previous statement about being damp. Keep up!) Walking down to the 4/5/6 subway platform in August is like entering the burning gates of hell. Excuse me: damp hell. Not the fiery, parched hell. Like swamp hell. Maybe I should just home school Astrid. Where do you get the curriculum for that? And aren’t you supposed to only do that if you live on a farm or love pipe cleaners and sticker charts and have boundless energy? Which I don’t. See aforementioned sleep issues. Plus I don’t get pipe cleaners, even for pipe cleaning, which they’re too small for. Unless we have really tiny pipes, which we might, how would I know? Should I check on that? Is that a thing? Or is it “pipe cleaners” like Dairy Queen’s “ice cream” which we all know hasn’t ever seen this side of cream, but OK, whatever, it’s tasty and “pipe cleaners” are all colorful and what not, so just stop and why do you have to be like that, I was just trying to have some “ice cream”?

Oh – and the math. The math would be a problem too re: that home schooling thing.

All right, yeah, that’s probably more than ten minutes. Like I said: me + numbers = not so much.

For the record, I used to be good at math. In second grade-ish. But then Mr. Sommers, the one with the sides-only, white-guy fro, tried to cut us over to the metric system – remember that? – and that was the end of that.

I’m going to say that Jimmy Carter and the Canadians are to blame here then. That sounds right, doesn’t it? Is that the transitive property?

I am so. Tired.