Displaced

Original here. Thanks, Katy!

“Compares wife unfavorably with mother or other wives,” definitely deserves a demerit. I’m wondering if the five he’ll get for that one ties with the demerits for, “Tells lies,” and “Uses alcohol,” because we’re talking about current wives and not previous wives.

I think just having multiple wives deserves at least ten demerits, don’t you? Let’s add, “Has other wives,” with a count of ten to the left column. Because the polygamy thing would be upsetting in and of itself, even if the comparisons were in my favor.

Although I do like winning. Maybe he’d get a couple of merit points for saying nicer things about me than about his other wives. Let’s add, “Compares wife favorably with other wives,” to the right column and give him a two merits for that.

Let’s also append, “Ends up in jail for polygamy,” to the left column, because, let’s face it, that would probably get out and jail time is super inconvenient for a marriage.

But then, “Leaves car for wife on days she may need it,” would be moot because if he were in jail, I’d pretty much have the car to myself. Except for those other wives. Hmm. Who gets the car when a polygamous marriage is dissolved? The wife with the most merits? In which case, that would be me, because I’m very competitive. I got 137 participation points in American History class in one six-week grading period when I was in eighth grade. The next kid got, like, 55. So I’m putting my money on myself for getting the car when my fictional polygamous husband ends up in imaginary jail.

I think my make-believe marriage/divorce is going to work out after all. That is, if we can get the “leaves razor out” thing under control.