Displaced

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1. Best-Dressed (And Let’s Not Be Stupid Here) Award:

• Tina Fey. Definitely went a long way to make up for that terrible number she wore to the Golden Globes.
• Jennifer Aniston. Didn’t love the front braid on the hair, but the dress was lovely.
• Meryl Streep – not the dress but the color of it. Why? Because I look great in that color and I’m the one handing out these awards.

2. “Girlfriend, Please” Award: Screw the “fashion-forward” garbage, Reese Witherspoon’s dress was terrible. Close runner up: Amy Adams’ necklace. Seriously people. I don’t care how much it cost, it looks like it escaped from the circus.

3. “Worst Feeling I Avoided This Year By Losing All My Bets” Award: You know when you want something to win, like, Best Screenplay, because you’re a writer and dammit that one screenplay deserved it but you don’t vote for it because you think it has an ice cube’s chance in hell of actually winning but then it does win and then you feel like a heel for not trusting your instincts and for voting against something you thought deserved it and you lost the point on your ballot as a result? Yeah. That feeling sucks. Know how I avoided it this year? I voted for what I thought would win and what I wanted to win and I lost on both counts. Whew. Close one.

4. “You Suck and You Never Should Have Been There In the First Place But Your Show Is On the Network That Broadcast the Oscars” Award: Zac Efron. Did we all catch his comment on the red carpet when asked about Slumdog Millionaire?

Interviewer: What do you think of the movie? We just spoke with Dev Patel and…

Zac Efron: Yeah, he’s a great kid.

I’m sorry, what? “Kid”? You, my condescending friend, are all of three years older than he is. And by the way, Patel is always gracious and enthusiastic – and was in an actual f*cking quality movie that, by the way, WON and you are on a stupid teen musical television show. Geez. Get over yourself.

5. “Thank You For Remembering” Award: To the producers for making sure Harold Pinter was on the In Memoriam list. I am so sorry he’s gone. I always hoped I’d meet him. Rough year losing Paul Newman and Paul Scofield as well.

6. “I Am So Right and Stop Arguing With Me” Award goes to ME. Yes, me. For what? For knowing that Hugh Jackman is completely gay and saying it all these years and now we all know it, so don’t deny it. The man is a song and dance machine, a total charmer and I love him even through his mutton chops Wolverine look. There’s nothing wrong with being gay and stashing the wife in a different apartment and having kids with her. Well, maybe there is something wrong with that, but we all have to get ahead how we can. But stop telling me he’s straight, ’cause he ain’t. And I have no gaydar at all, so if I think he’s gay, he’s gay. Full stop.

7. “I Feel The Same Way, Sean Penn, and Thank You To Everyone I Know”: “I want to be very clear that I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me, often.” (Although I definitely would’ve remembered to thank my wife, especially after I cheated on her with Russian prostitutes.)

8. “Thank You For Making a Liar Out of Me” Award goes to the Oscar producers. They said it would be different. They said they were changing it up. They said they recognized that they sucked at keeping the show interesting. The first step is recognizing you have a problem, so good for them, but I never thought they’d deliver anything interesting. And they did. Quibble with some of the details if you will, but overall the show rocked a new vibe.