Cellular – B one with your B-ness!

Note: They do not demonstrate how to do all the cool things they do with their phones. This is not an instructional video.

Basic plot: Kim Basinger’s suburban mom is kidnapped for unknown reasons and manages to piece together a smashed phone in her prison sufficiently to dial one random number, surfer at large Chris Evan’s cell phone.

This is a strong movie. I liked it. This does not mean you should go see it. I say this because of the puzzled (best) and resentful (worst) responses I got after recommending another Jason Statham movie, The Transporter, a recommendation by which, incidentally, I still stand. So here you go, “I liked Cellular. Do not go see it.” (If, by chance, you see it with no reference to my non-recommendation or through some administrative error, let me know you liked it and I’ll be happy to say, “I f#$&#$ told you so!”)

Cellular is very good at what it is, which is really an unashamed B movie.* Cellular is not just comfortable with it’s B-ness, it’s settled onto the couch with a cold beer and some nachos. It has a limited number of characters, most of whom lack full names, and, importantly, a limited scope with which it is very comfortable. This unabashed embrace of a single, ridiculous plot line – like a bus (Speed) or gypsy vampire slayers (Van Helsing) – is the age-old marker of the true-blue B.

Historically, B movies were the ones that ran before the main feature and themselves featured low budgets and small-sweatered, big-breasted girls. Today, it’s harder to spot real B movies outside the horror genre (which are really more camp than B). Most of what we’d call B movies nowadays didn’t set out to be B movies. They’re failed blockbusters (think Waterworld) that were trying for so much (epic budget, epic reach) with so little (script, characters, plot) that they got tangled up like a kid in a lie. It’s also hard to spot real B’s because today’s B’s are pretty sleek (think Italian Job, Starship Troopers) and may contain one or several second-tier stars instead of rank unknowns. (Admittedly, Kim is an Oscar winner but who really thinks the Oscar’s worth anything since Gwyneth shut out Cate?)

Cellular is the best of another rare breed, the Phone Philm. Granted, the only other member of the category is the really embarrassing Phone Booth, but I am sure others will follow and for now, Cellular’s the hands down winner.** First things first, let’s get it out of the way and on the record that I am not a Kim Basinger fan. This does not mean I just hate hate hate her movies. I lost that argument a few years ago against Quentin Tarantino in reference to John Travolta’s movies: just because an actor is weak and pandering does not mean that s/he makes bad choices of material or necessarily ruins that material. (Well, Quentin didn’t say anything about pandering. That was me. But the point was his.) Second things second, Wm. Macy is in Cellular. His ubiquity is nearing Buscemi-like proportions, but he’s always welcome as far as I’m concerned. Third, despite the preponderance of button-pushing (no pun intended), the movie is rarely heavy-handed with its humor or references, any one of which it could have played too long. We all cringe sympathetically as the phone signal fades in stairwells and tunnels or when Ryan (Chris Evans) pulls up next to an obnoxious convertible or a pounding stereo, but the movie moves on quickly instead of beating a horse that’s already down. Fourth, let’s not forget that Jason Statham is the lead baddie, played with his flat-mouthed masculine charm. Fifth, I was impressed with the producers’ restraint in not actually plugging any one cell phone brand. (Although it’s got to be an American one with that crappy interface.) Sixth, and by no means last, Ryan appears to have actually seen some other movies, avoiding behavior that other movies happily include as if their characters lived in a media wasteland that doesn’t have Law & Order, with all its handy lessons, on cable 24 hours a day.

Overall, Cellular is very watchable and totally amusing. If I weren’t afraid of your non-B-loving wrath, I’d actually tell you all to go see it.

*A.O. Scott made reference to this in his review this week in the Times. I’m with him. Take a look.

**There are those who would say that my opinion of Phone Booth was skewed by being severely hungover and under-slept and watching it from about two feet away and at an 85-degree upward angle from the Aerobed. Forget it. It sucked. Rankly.