Hiring

Let it be known that

1. I hate hiring.
2. I hate interviewing on the phone.
3. I hate interviewing in person.
3. I hate everything about the whole shabang.

My hatred has been creeping upward recently. This is because a large segment of the job-seeking public didn’t get the memo about keeping a resume to two pages. Didn’t these guys (and they’ve all been guys) have guidance counselors? If they missed that bus, the recruiters should be catching their error. But no. Seven pages of ten-point font. Eight pages. Five pages. I have gotten exactly two resumes that were two pages. If I have to slave over my resume to get fourteen years of professional experience whittled down to two pages, you can damn well do it too. And if you can’t be bothered, I consider myself entitled to be snippy with you for double the number of minutes of your interview that you were pages over the limit. So there. That’ll learn you. And no, I don’t feel like I need to explain that up front. And no, I don’t think I’m being passive aggressive.

And while we’re on the subject, when did applicants stop having someone proofread their resumes? Last week’s winner ended every bullet point with a question mark. “Led a team of nine people working on a complex software project over eight months?” I don’t know, buddy, did you?

Today’s winner wrote, “Good Process Management skills with remarkable ability in gathering requirements and to bring out quality products.” Aside from the structure that sounds like he learned English last Thursday over a bad phone connection and leaving the random capitalization out of it, what’s up with the “remarkable ability”? I consider levitating to be a remarkable ability. Swallowing a sword? Fine. OK. Requirements gathering? No. Not remarkable. It is the opposite of remarkable. It is dull. It is average. It is almost totally unremarkable. It is a job requirement. It is the definition of not above and beyond; it is beneath and within. Unless they come in a basket made of diamonds that fell spontaneously from your fingertips, calling your requirements gathering abilities remarkable is the equivalent of me saying I have “magical powers of communication”, Unless I can chat with doves telepathically, I DON’T. Stop it, all of you! You have to stop. You are making my head explode in slow motion.