Urban Paranoia

So first there was all that hoopla about Apple tracking my whereabouts. I kind of let that one slide because I pretty much assume people are recording my every move anyway. On the flip side, I also assume that a.) whoever “they” are aren’t organized enough to synthesize all that data so they couldn’t actually locate me at my coffee shop until three weeks from now, and b.) I’m not important enough for them to try.

Come to think of it though, if they did try, in three weeks, I’ll probably be back at my coffee shop, so old data’s probably a-OK in my case. I’m just not very wily.

But now there’s this whole Luddite thing with Bin Laden being located by tracking his courier. That’s some old-school sh*t. (Of course it took them ten years, so either that’s one slow-moving courier, one big-ass errand or a hell of lot of stop-offs to explain to the boss.)

It made me think twice about ever sending A. out to run an errand for me. What if she runs up the hill to our local bodega to get a paper and a coffee for her lazy-ass mom and they follow her back to our house?

Not that she’ll be running errands anytime soon. She can’t walk a straight line for three feet and usually falls down after five, so my coffee would be in jeopardy. Right, yes: also her one-year-old safety.

And no one runs up the huge hill by our house anyway except this crazy wiry woman I see every day who appears to be training for the Apocalypse when she’ll have to fight for food and matches.

But my concern remains, impracticalities aside. What if A. just scoots down to the corner on her ride-upon ladybug and some spook follows her that whole half-block home? What if that happened?

I can hear you now: “Sooo…what if it did happen?”

I don’t know. I don’t know what. Probably nothing. But I’m still worried.

I hear you: I know our name is on our mailbox right out in front. It’s not like they’d have to follow little A. home to find us. But they could and it seems like it’s part of their handbook of plans.

I just don’t like the idea of someone being able to follow my courier. It’s so…personal. I like to think of my trackers as guys with interesting motives in masks in black helicopters way up high in the sky. If there are actual SEALs coming up the stairs, that’s more threatening. Should we stop getting Chinese food delivered in case they’re following that guy? It’s not usually the same guy though. That might throw them off the scent.

God. Am I really going to have to start running all my own errands? And wouldn’t that just make their job easier anyway? Is there no way out of this? Other than returning to my right mind and finding something productive to do with my time, I mean.