Protectionism

There is a giant Bed Bath & Beyond right next to our grocery store, and they’ve just added a giant drugstore section to their giant kitchen section. Everything there is giant. I guess their store is so gigantic that it crowded out their plan for a giant backstock space because everything is hung or stacked up to the sky. Some morning, I’m going to go in and ask for assistance getting down the one thousand and first spatula up near their 50-foot ceiling because THAT is the one I need. Eye level is for suckers.

Gigantism aside, I went into the baby products aisle and ended up staring at the colorful condom display instead. See, the birth control section is right next to the baby section. So you can stock up on products for your current offspring while making sure no others join her.

I have a lot of questions after looking at my options.

First, do the “Twisted” condoms come with a little man in leather wielding equipment that looks like it belongs in the hardware aisle? Second, what is the Trojan company implying about my sex life when they try to sell me a condom labeled “Sensations”? I feel insulted and intrigued all at once. Third, can you get the Sensitivity pack gift wrapped so I can send it to couple of my ex-boyfriends? Oh never mind. I just read the fine print. That’s not what they meant.

Being a “her,” I appreciate all the boxes that promote all manner of features “for her pleasure.” Thank you.

Not to get too specific about the guys I dated in my 20’s but I think there’s an untapped segment at the other end of the market. “The Pleasure Is All Mine” condom would be super cheap, flimsy, bad at conversation, and be packaged with a dehydrated shot of Jagermeister. Get on that. You could make a killing. You’re welcome, Trojan.

OK, yeah, I’ll just collect my unscented suncreen stick and Mickey Mouse Band-Aids and be on my way.